Some thoughts. Mostly on family

I don't even know how to start here. I don't really blog about my feelings much, especially the ones that are not so happy. Maybe it's because I don't want to go back on my blog a year from now and think I was stupid for feeling bad for myself, or I don't want my kids to think I wasn't happy, or I don't want to sound like I'm complaining. Ryan doesn't like complaining and I don't think it's very attractive when someone does complain a lot, but I'm a girl. Girls need (and love) to talk. We want to talk about what made us angry, sad, happy, stressed out, depressed, smile..... At least most of us do.

I talk to my mom most of the time. On Skype of course since she is all the way in Europe, but it does help. The only problem I have with that is that I don't want to be talking about my not so happy thoughts and feelings to her too much, because she is my mom. I know she always wants me to be happy and it hurts her when I'm sad and she can't hug me or help me in any other way but listen to me. Don't get me wrong here. Her listening to me helps a lot. But I mean her watching Kaylee for me when I'm sick for example.

Like today.

I woke up feeling good, made a sandwich for Ryan to take to school, and played with Kaylee after he left. Then after I changed a diaper and got up, my stomach turned up side down and I threw up. Not a good feeling. I hate it. So I text him and asked if he could come home sometimes soon to help me with Kaylee and he of course said yes, but only for an hour. Hm. Ok. That doesn't really help. I'm not blaming him for not wanting to help of course. He has more than enough on his plate right now. This is his last semester of BYU, he is taking 18 credit hours and 2 online classes on top of that. How does he do all that? I have NO idea. He doesn't really complain about it either. He is almost never home when the semester really starts, works even on a weekend and he really doesn't get too stressed out about how much he has to do. Let me just tell you that I could NEVER do what he does.

So I don't blame him for not carrying about me enough or anything like that. The point of this post is me realizing more and more how much I miss having family around.

Not just in these situations when I need their help, but that's when it hits me the most I guess. Kaylee's second birthday is coming up and my family will miss it once again. It makes me sad. I try not to think about it too much because that's just life.

I'm not really sure what I'm trying to say here, but since I'm home alone (with Kaylee but she doesn't understand these things yet and even if she did I wouldn't be telling her all these things anyway) I just wanted to get this off my chest.

We move so much. We live 8 months in Provo and 4 months somewhere else. We have moved for 4 summers already. We have almost been married for 4 years (in March) and we have moved 10 times. When we come back to Provo we don't come back to the same apartment and ward so new people every time. I'm not super outgoing if you must ask. I love getting to know new people and talking with them, but I will not make the first step so if you come to talk to me in Church, great! But if you don't, I don't talk to a single soul. Therefor it's hard for me to make friends fast and since we move every few months I don't have many.

So on a day like this, when I throw up, have a headache and stuffy nose, I don't have anybody to call. I can't have my mom come over, spend some time with Kaylee so I can rest since I have another baby girl in my tummy, I don't have my sister here to come hang out, not anybody.

It's hard for me. It was this past summer too when I had a miscarriage. I was at home with Kaylee and Ryan was 3 hours away from our house working. He didn't drive that day so there were 4 other people with him and he couldn't take the car and just leave them all there and drive 3 hours back home and then 3 hours back to get everyone else and bring them home while I was having terrible contractions every 2 min for 8 hours straight. Kaylee didn't understand that I couldn't get off the couch and help her with whatever she needed or wanted from me.

I did end up calling one wife that helped me out for like 2 hours since she had a baby on her own and couldn't stay the whole time, but I wasn't comfortable doing that at all. I didn't even do it for myself as much as I did it for Kaylee so she doesn't have to sit next to me on the couch the whole day.

Ryan eventually came home, took me to the hospital, they gave me some morphine and I was feeling better. But the point is that I didn't have anybody to help me. Anybody close to me to come and be with me.

Just like today. Just like the next time I get sick.

Kaylee has no cousins to play with, celebrate her Birthday with and when her mom is sick she doesn't understand why am I not getting up right away when she needs help with this or that and I'm waiting for her to figure it out by herself or just start whining/crying. It makes me really sad.

And we are about to move yet another time. What bothers me about it is that we don't really know where to. Maybe we'll stay here in Utah (but not in Provo), or we'll move to Louisiana again and if that happens I don't know how long will we stay there, or we'll go wherever Ryan gets a good job. We are about to have another baby in few months and I'm just kind of tired of never knowing where are we going next, how long are we staying there for and all the little details that come with it. But wherever that might be, I know one thing and that is that I'll be alone there. At least most of the time.

But enough of me complaining. I doubt anybody is reading this anyway, but I'm feeling better already just getting this out.

Now I have to go suck it up, take a shower or something and try to make this day as good for Kaylee as I can. I don't have any sick days that I can take out today so maybe some other time.

Have a great week.